Dude, Where's My Car? [2000]

Director: Danny Leiner Director: Danny Leiner Stars: Ashton Kutcher, Seann William Scott, Jennifer Garner, Marla Sokoloff, Kristy Swanson Genre: Comedy, Mystery, Sci-Fi Rating: PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested) Runtime: 83 minutes
Sometimes, stupidity is its own reward. Dude, Where's My Car? is one of the most ridiculous movies ever made--so ridiculous, and so thoroughly cheerful about being ridiculous, that it's thoroughly entertaining. Jesse and Chester (Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott) wake up one morning with absolutely no memory of the night before, but they're confident they must have had a good time.

An irate phone call from their girlfriends quickly makes it clear that they may have had too much of a good time, and will be branded as sucky boyfriends unless they set things right. The boys set out to get the anniversary gifts they have for the girls in Jesse's car... only Jesse's car seems to be missing. Which of course leads our heroes on a quest, during which they encounter a pot-smoking dog, khaki-wearing cultists, hot chicks from outer space, a cameo by Fabio, and a herd of wild ostriches. Dude, Where's My Car? lacks the depth of character you might find in, say, a Bill & Ted movie, but the dialogue has an amazing spareness to it that gives it a kind of metaphysical splendor--if absurdist playwright Samuel Beckett had written ludicrous babe & stoner movies, he would have written Dude, Where's My Car? Also featuring a cameo by Andy Dick and more babes in bikinis than you can count. --Bret Fetzer
Read the entire Dude, Where's My Car? movie script | Buy this movie on Amazon

Jesse:
Who's Johnny Potsmoker?

Chester:
Oh ,that's my alter ego.

Jesse:
Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.

Chester:
No. Yours is Smokey McPot.

Jesse:
Oh yeah.

Chinese Foooood Lady:
And then?

Jesse:
No "and then"!

Chinese Foooood Lady:
And then!

Pierre:
But luckily for you, I am an honorable man.

Mark:
Excuse me, what was that?

Pierre:
Honorable!

Mark:
What? Onadouble?

Mark:
I think you're trying to say "honorable"!

Pierre:
What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again?

Mark:
No, no the hose!

Mark:
Maybe later.

Jesse:
Dude, it's a llama!

Jesse:
Dude, this is an *emergency*!

Chester:
So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

Jesse:
I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

Jesse:
Dude, where's my car?

Chester:
Where's your car dude?

Jesse:
DUDE, where's my car?

Chester:
Where's your car dude?

Jesse:
Have you seen my car?

Christie Boner:
Yeah.

Jesse:
You have?

Christie Boner:
Well, I saw the backseat.

Jesse:
No, I'm talking about the whole thing.

Jumpsuit Chick #1:
We are not dudes. We are hot chicks.

Birthday Son:
I want to go on that ride, Daddy.

Birthday Father:
Me, too, Son. Me, too.

Chester:
Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.

Jesse:
Shibby!

Chester:
Low five.

Jesse:
Jesse...

Chester:
...and Chester are shibby at the moment.

Jesse:
Please your shibby at the beep.

Jesse:
Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.

Jesse:
Thanks, dude.

Tommy:
Stoner-bashin' time!

Chester:
Those double-crossing, sexy-sexy sluts!

Chester:
Is that a barn?

Jesse:
Is it red?

Chester:
No.

Jesse:
Then it isn't a barn!

Chester:
How wasted were we last night?

Jesse:
Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

Jesse:
Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock!

Chester:
Well, you didn't have to go all egg roll on that speaker box, dude.

Jesse:
I'm not the one who called the Dali Lama a fag!

Jesse:
I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.

Jesse:
Nelson, your dog's a stoner!

Chester:
Can he also bong a beer?

Nelson:
Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.

Jesse:
You know what we should do?

Chester:
Eat?

Jesse:
No.

Jesse:
Eat!

Mark:
I've been in this cage for 3 years and 5 months and 17 days but who's countin' HAHAHA

Mark:
E-mail me ok "Freakincage.com"

Jumpsuit Chick #1:
First you give us the continuum transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.

Jesse:
I've heard that one before...

Wilma:
You'd better stay away from our boyfriends.

Wanda:
You fake-breasted sluts!

Chester:
Hang in there buddy!

Pierre:
Can I get you guys some beers?

Mark:
I'd like a "Near Beer," please.

Pierre:
SHUT UP!

Pierre:
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHUT YOU UP?

Jesse:
I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

Mr. Pizzacoli:
A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two!

Jesse:
But then the pizzas would get all wet.

Chester:
Look, a unicorn!

Mr. Pizzacoli:
A unicorn?

Chester:
Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse.

Zoltan:
You gotta activate the...

Jesse:
What?

Mr. Pizzacoli:
They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!

Chester:
Hurry, activate it, dude!

Chester:
I think that's it, dude.

Jesse:
Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Jumpsuit Chick #1:
If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.

Jesse:
That's us!

Chester:
Right here!

Jesse:
That is amazing!

Chester:
Yeah! Those are the bigest hoo-hoos I've ever seen

Alien Nordic Dude #1:
Could you please tell us where we may find the continuum transfuctioner?

Chinese Foooood Lady:
And then?

Alien Nordic Dude #1:
And then we may go and get it?

Chinese Foooood Lady:
And then?

Alien Nordic Dude #2:
Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?

Zoltan:
We'll travel through space... with cool aliens who LIKE us!

Jesse:
What's up?

Chester:
Animal Planet!

Jesse:
Man, I just had the craziest dream.

Chester:
About what?

Jesse:
I don't remember

Mr. Pizzacoli:
Damn! Now those are some big-ass panties.

Zelmina, Space Nerd #3:
I'm a gender challenged male.

Jesse:
WHOA! DUDE, YOU'RE A DUDE!

Jesse:
And then I'm gonna come back there and put my foot in your ass if you say "and then" again!

Nelson:
Deep inside your consciousness you must look. Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.

Zelmina, Space Nerd #3:
Does he have to talk like that?

Christie Boner:
I like the way you talk.

dude where's my car quotes and then and than and then, dude where's my car quotes continuum transfunctioner, dude where's my car quotes no and then
Source: http://docphy.com/entertainment/movies/comedy-movies/dude-wheres-car-2000.html